It’s been a while now and I still miss the way she said my name.
I didn’t know my bones could ache
forever for so long.
They say there’s beauty in sadness but I don’t think so (at least not like this). When it’s 3am and alcohol is the only thing that helps me sleep.
They didn’t warn me that heartache doesn’t always have someone to blame. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault
(it’s probably all mine).
I found her sweater the other day and it still smells like her and that Spring we spent telling each other we’d be forever.
I didn’t really think about how forever could end.
She used to call me beautiful and look at me with eyes that meant it. Now I just don’t know how I’m supposed to hear that word from anyone else.
I’m somewhere caught between moving on and holding on and not knowing which one I can handle the most.
I feel messy and uneasy and I don’t understand how one person with pretty eyes can destroy an empire inside me just by walking away.
Her lips tasted like air after rain and these days all I do is think about the way they felt between my thighs.
My pillow isn’t her and the song on the radio isn’t ours. I sit next to a girl in class but we can’t talk for hours.
Where do I go when a lover and a friend becomes a memory and a dead end?
I saw her by the escalators last week, I smiled at her and she looked the other way. I felt my heart splinter all over again.
Sometimes I write her letters thinking maybe she’ll write back.
She never does.
therealsarahhyland: When your mom gives you “the finger”…#donttellmewhattodo @taylorswift (x)
I’ll go from most recent events to earlier events so as to keep this interesting.
- you know what’s fun? Taking a shower while jamming to Harper Blynn songs. fun times tonight, I’m telling you.
- Watching tv with my mom and telling her about the prom thing that might happen and talking about the white dress that I really, really, reeaaaallly want.
- the smoothie run with Brenna. It was impromptu and only about 25 minutes long, but I adored every second of it and we never once ran out of things to talk about. And you know, some of my other good friends don’t like her very much, but i don’t get it because she’ll always be one of my very favorites. I mean looking back, she was one of the only people who got me a birthday present and put up with my Taylor rambles and my boy stories. I’ll always regard her highly. We mostly talked about prom and Free People and Urban Outfitters and work and concerts and boys and Preference because it’s been that long.
- going to Lowe’s with my mom because she needed to buy plant soil and flower things and then after I made her go look at the cacti with me because pretty and I think I’ll have those everywhere in my dorm this Fall.
- the drive to Lowe’s, telling my mom weird ladybug facts because I was obsessed with them in second grade and I have perfect memory when it comes to useless knowledge, and corny jokes, and celebrity facts, but mostly song lyrics.
- having time to actually look at Pinterest and relax
- the fact that Jacob from work got back to me and decided to cover my shift on Saturday the 3rd, so if I do go to Prom I’m free and if I don’t, well I won’t be all mopey at work.
- when Sarah texted me in fourth period during my test and we had an entire conversation without Ms. Davis noticing.
- The fact that Josie was in my fourth period today cause being lonely sure sucks. And she added to the comical appeal of the class. Laughing about Andy Warhol’s eccentricity and the melodramatics of pop art helped too.
- the fact that I got a B on my test even though I didn’t study and it was all based on my keen guessing abilities. I giggled through the grading process.
- when I found out Leslie’s shirt matched the drawing Kim’s little sister gave her perfectly, like same frog picture with “hop to it” under it. Cool. We took a picture.
- talking to Angie about Taylor during lunch
- the sweet, sweet comments from my dear AP psych friends and the fact that they loved the doughnuts. They seriously make me so happy every time I bring treats. No one reacts like them. It’s perfect, literally perfect.
- The conversations between Josie, Connor, and I. Especially those involving the needle and the private jet.
- senior picture time was fun and exciting and different. I saw Sarah there! I hung out with Ang and Leslie and Kim and them
- seeing Anne, of course. And talking to her about tumblr.
- talking to Hannah for like five seconds but she’s seriously so lovely. I miss when we had clothing together.
- the short moment I spent talking to Kait in second period because I couldn’t bare to sit there listening to Knowlton for another second.
- People-watching and lyric analyzation when I sat in the library. How peaceful I felt doing that.
- looking at the photo show with Ivan and realizing we like most of the same bands and contemplating Lorde’s perfection, and then when he told me about the show in August that nobody knows about for some reason or another.
"And it hurts so much to want something you can’t have."
Taylor aint taking none of your shit.
taylorswift: We decided we were dressed like a strait-laced mom and her rebellious teen daughter.#YouDontUnderstandMeMom!!! #StormsOut#ComeBackHere,YoungLady! @therealsarahhyland (x)