You worry too much.

I was in tears. I needed to talk to him, to hear his laughter. I needed someone to hear me, not just that, but to listen to me. So I told my sister, I told her I what it was that was keeping me from smiling today and what I wanted more than anything in the world right now. She told me I needed to follow my own heart, to speak while it was still the right moment to speak, to tell him what it was that kept me from smiling. So I picked up the phone I’ve come to know so well, I went down to my studio, and I curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my studio, amidst stacks of fabric. I dialed the number I’ve got scrawled on the main part of my memory and I heard two rings and then the voice I adore, “Hello?” and his laughter. I couldn’t hold them back, the tears, I was so sad and so helpless. And he heard my trembling voice as I said “I just needed someone to talk to, and I thought of you,” trying to hold back the remaining tears and he said “Oh Ceci,” and I interrupted, “Do you have a minute to talk?” and he told me he did, he told me he had a few minutes and then he would have to leave, but that he would be glad to speak to me, and then he said, “The test was the devil, is that it?” and I said “Oh yes! That’s why I called, because it tore me to pieces. It made me so sad” and he went on a crazy rant about how mad it made him, how it ruined his whole day and that he had to take a nap after the test in hopes of forgetting and I said “Didn’t everyone?” and he said, “I guessed on half of the science questions, they called five minutes when I barely through 20” and I said “No way! That’s exactly what I did, I thought you got done.” and he said “No, it’s common to guess on half the science ones” and then he asked me if this was my first time taking it, so I told him it was and he told me I didn’t need to worry so much, that it would always be hard to everyone and that it isn’t just me who can’t finish all the questions. He told me I’d be alright, and then he asked me if I was okay. So I paused, sighed one of my loud sighs and he asked me again, so the tears began again and I said “No, I’m not. I felt like I was rude this morning, and I need you to understand me.”, so he said “You weren’t rude. what made you think so?” and I sighed again, unintentionally and I told him that I was so upset about the test this morning that even though I saw him and I saw everyone, I didn’t speak. I kept everything to myself. I told him about all the bitter feelings I was feeling and the way I couldn’t say more than a few words to anyone or else I would have said some very mean, sarcastic things, and he said “It’s okay, I was mad too. You didn’t need to worry about that, all everyone wanted to do was walk in, take the test, and go back to sleep.” and then I heard his quiet laughter and he said, “Ceci, you worry too much.” and I laughed too and I said it was true and then he told me some other things about that and he tried to make me okay, and I guess he succeeded because he got me laughing and even though my head still aches and the bridge of my nose feels like I’m going to cry a little, he lifted a weight off my shoulders and I don’t need to regret anymore. So then he started whistling and I exclaimed, “Will.. are you whistling?” and he said he was, laughing, and I said “That’s so weird” and I giggled and he kept laughing, and we laughed simultaneously, enjoying the lack of words. He told me the thing he loves the most in the world is receiving a well-written, hand-written letter, so I asked him if he ever got any and he said he sometimes got some from his friends who live in other states. So I told him about how I want to learn calligraphy so I can write the prettiest letters possible and he wished me luck, so I promised I’d know by the following year. “Are you going to the show?” I asked, with the joy of laughter still laced with my words, and he said, “It’s so out of my price range, I want to go, but I don’t know if I’ll have the money by next month.” he heard the disappointment as I spoke my next thought, “So you’re not going?” and he responded, “I’ll think about it, I know it sounds like fun and even though I’ve always been a fan, I’ve never been like you and I have my other bands too and $50 is a lot, but I’ll think about it. I might still go with you.” I felt better, not totally great, but I still had a chance. “Please think about it, Will, please. You know how much it would mean to me, and we could have so much fun. We could dance around and dress up, and I’ll introduce you to Christie. Have I ever told you about Christie?” and he said “Yeah, I’ll try and I think you told me about her, tell me again.” So I told him about how I met you through my blog, and how we met up at the concert and he said he remembered and that he thinks it’s such a cool way to make a friend, and then he asked me about the rest of you guys and how you were doing, so I told him in detail and then he said, “Taylor will always be your favorite right?” and I said “You know me so well. I’ll love her forever.” and he quietly stated “Forever and ever” and then we paused and I heard him opening the mail. A few seconds of silence and I said, “My mom wants to see the pictures your dad took at Sadie’s, by the way.” and he said “Okay, so I’ll email them to you” and he asked me for my email, got the paper, I told him what it was, unafraid that he would judge me. He promised he’d find them for me and then he asked about the rest of the pictures, so I said Kayla is still editing them and she’ll have them ready by next week. He said that was fine, and then he told me the reason he can’t afford tickets to the show now is because he just bought a car yesterday, which would explain why we saw him driving away earlier today. and I told him I was so excited for him and we spoke of the game and he told me we won and I said I went to Salt Lake City and he listened to me and then he had to leave, because of something about his car’s title loan and he promised he’d say hi to me on Monday, and that he’d tell me soon enough if he can afford a ticket to the show on June 1st.

So, while not everything is unresolved, I lifted a weight off my shoulder. I spoke before it was too late, before the bitter feelings could eat me up, and you know, I won’t plan on him coming with me to the show. I simply won’t, because I know it might not be an option. If it happens I’ll be so happy, if it doesn’t, I’ll still be happy. As for the test, it’s like he’s a mind-reader. He knew what it was that was making me speak to him in such a tearful manner, and best of all, he knew how to make me laugh when the tears simply wouldn’t stop. It’s nice to have someone you can just call up when things get so bad. It’s lovely to have someone who will listen to me without judging what it is I have to say to him. So I’m sitting alone now, with Red playing in the background and the sound of the keyboard click-clacking away and I feel okay. Maybe a long drive up the canyon would cheer me up further, but it’s not an option and I’ll let the music cure my troubled thoughts, the way William cured my regret.

  1. mosaicbrokenhearts said: You’re such a great writer, Ceci. You totally just inspired me for a new song.
  2. youmakemecrazier posted this